the things that hold me back
Thursday, 7 October 2010
They aren’t the things I think they are, the things that hold me back.
I have been busy with portfolio-building sessions lately. In case you hadn’t noticed, I thought I would point that out. I have scheduled only two paying sessions from the reveals I have posted here, but the incoming queries about my work leave me hopeful that there may be a place for me to make this heart-thing a reality.
But there are things, not all of them definable, that hold me back. There is this interaction with that client way back when. There is “I cannot believe I took that shot; what was I thinking, delivering that to someone?!” There is “I will never be like her,” and “I want to be professional like him.”
And there is “I want to do this the way God wants me to do this.”
All these cogent cautions echo around in my heart, but it is this recent fear that limits me more than anything I’ve encountered: “You used to judge people like that. What are you thinking?”
Pete and I had a conversation about Romans 14 recently that has not left me. Paul tells his readers that they are free to do anything now that the Law has been lifted, but notes in the passage that they must do it in faith. If they cannot do it in faith, it is sin.
I think this may be because it is about The Thing that they do, not about the Life they have in Christ. I think it may be that The Thing becomes a block between the person and God, a wall in the relationship that begs a breaching. This is why we are told to acknowledge Him in all our ways, to keep those doors open so we can walk humbly with our God.
I have grown up knowing the acceptable Christian things to do. I went to Bible college ten falls ago, fully intending to become a pastor’s wife. (Please laugh at the irony of that statement, will you?) I started out with a secretarial major, then switched to secondary education English, then to elementary education. But I couldn’t live with the “spiritual” pressure to measure up to the cream-of-the-crop Christians around me. I slammed 24 credits into one semester, took a senior class in Eschatology, and left the school only half-believing I was a Christian.
I tried pursuing some of my real passions (instead of my obligatory ideals) at my next school, first creative writing, then journalism. I thought sure I would be a politician’s wife. (Yes, another grin here. I never figured I would do something on my own, you see. I just wanted to be a competent wife.)
Then, of course, I got sick. I fell in love. I got my heart broken. I dropped out of school, unable to maintain my studies through the brain fog. I worked as a litigation assistant for four years, loved my bosses, learned what plaintiff and defendant meant, met Pete and got engaged, shot my first wedding.
It was when I shot that first wedding that I knew what I could do with my camera.
And it didn’t look like an acceptable Christian thing to do. Especially since it involved being part of a commercial industry where the material things often mattered more than the people. I justified my way in at first by working with budgets and shooting for friends, but it wasn’t sustainable – not as a living, not as a dream. I saw so much more than I was able to capture with the low-end equipment I limited myself to, imagined so much more than most of my clients bothered to afford.
I was a wife, and a mom – there was a constant war inside of me that said I couldn’t be a photographer too. My priorities had to be “God, husband, children.” There was no “photography” in there, especially when I figured in “health” before husband and children most days.
As time has passed, I have come to see that I am most alive when I am behind my camera. I give more to my husband and my family when I am not fighting the war against my passion. God has always led me through desire; why should He change His modus operandi now?
I am starting to wonder if there are things I have believed about God that may not be true.
On the one hand, I sense His leading, sense His presence when my passion is free behind the lens. There is no one area of my life that has ever taught me so much about Him. Justifications aside, it just feels right to be doing this. On the other hand, there is the condemnation that follows me around, reminding me to despise myself and what I wish to become, because “how can THAT be of God?”
I dream and make secret plans and set goals I tell no one, because if I don’t do this, I don’t want to deal with the embarrassment that I knew I could DO this, and I chose something else.
There it is, though, the choice. I had a friend who had a full scholarship to Julliard, and she walked away from it because she thought God wouldn’t want that for her. I don’t know what He wanted for her – it’s not my place to judge. But I saw her pain as she sat down at the piano and fumbled at keys that had once been a part of her. It felt wrong, the same way it feels every time I look at shelving my photography or settling for less than alive.
I judge myself for my desire to be a photographer, and I think of all those who would judge me too. I don’t know if I have the faith for this, but I won’t dredge it up on my own and walk out regardless of my fear.
Faith is the gift of God; He has to help me believe that grace is not just a passive covering for the mistakes I can’t help making. He has to help me believe it is an active force in my life for the living out of who He meant me to be, even if I am not a pastor’s wife or a teacher or a politician’s wife, or a journalist.
Maybe this is my way of acknowledging Him in this part of my life, waiting for His peace to come to me before I dive headlong into that water.
God has given me a gift – many of them, in fact – and I want to invest. The steward in the parable of the talents did not invest what he had received from his master because he believed he was “a hard man, harvesting where [he] did not sow, and gathering where [he] did not scatter seed.” The Master’s response is one of disillusioned anger: “So you knew Me, did you?” I think he was heartbroken at his servant’s impression of him.
“To whom much has been given, much will be required,” Jesus says – and He is not speaking only of material wealth. I have been given much faith, and a deep knowledge of God and His goodness. I move forward slow, as He gives me faith, and I dare to speak of Him, and I dare to put me where I speak of Him, and I want to dare to live Him free even behind my camera, even if I am not what I thought once a good Christian should be.
The things that hold me back – no they’re not the logical things I think they’ll be. They’re the questions of Life, and that’s more important to answer than the branding or the website or the client interactions. I’ve got a hunch that once I have the faith to go, the rest will come.
No. 1 — October 7th, 2010 at 7:56 pm
The Julliard friend. Ouch, ouch, ouch. I am glad you are embracing your gift. Why do we get this idea that God is always out to take away our joy?
L.L. Barkat´s last [type] ..Crossing the Texas Border with Spam
No. 2 — October 7th, 2010 at 8:27 pm
How can you be so much in the same place as I? I, too, have dreams I fear to whisper to anyone because they seem too big and “Oh, who do I think I am?” in my eyes. But when I remember God is big and he does big things through small people, well, then I stop worrying about it for a while, until the next time I look too long at myself and lose sight of God.
It’s wonderful to be alive, isn’t it!
I would love to follow you around one day as you wield your camera. I suspect a beautiful story in your interactions with the people you capture.
Karenee´s last [type] ..Playing Pretend
No. 3 — October 7th, 2010 at 8:29 pm
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by L.L. Barkat, Kelly Langner Sauer. Kelly Langner Sauer said: About God and photography – the post I've been working on for weeks: "the things that hold me back" http://bit.ly/bfA6l6 [...]
No. 4 — October 7th, 2010 at 8:45 pm
I read this post and felt it in my heart, but there is one thing in particular I want to tell you – that through your words I understood something today, and so for being an angel for me I thank you. “To whom much has been given, much will be required.” It just made things go click in my head … and also made me appreciate how it is a gift.
No. 5 — October 7th, 2010 at 10:27 pm
Two things. I’ll do my best to be brief, and coherent.
1: I am starting to wonder if there are things I have believed about God that may not be true. I certainly hope so. And I have a hunch (and a hope) that 10 years from now, you’ll say the same thing about some of the things you believe now. Our grasp of the ungraspable is weak, small. But it comes a little tighter all the time. With such limited vision and understanding of One so unfathomable, we can’t help but get Him wrong in parts.
But He shows us, bit by bit, day by day, year by year.
If we are honest, we allow Him to correct our mistakes.
2: Blast. I don’t remember #2.
Lyla Lindquist´s last [type] ..Prayer is a “Thing”
No. 6 — October 7th, 2010 at 10:38 pm
He loves us so much, and He wants to give us what will bring us joy. Sometimes we get this view of God that is so skewed– that God can’t possibly want us to be happy. I know. I do this so often.
Erin´s last [type] ..Tuesday Morning Coffee
No. 7 — October 8th, 2010 at 8:14 am
Don’t you wish we could really go back to being children, with the confidence that says ‘Look at me, look at what I can do,’ without a fear of being judged or a fear of being boastful or anything; just the rejoicing at a gift as we show it to the giver. Because I think that’s the way God want’s us to be with the talents we have; I write for Him even if it’s a school board meeting that means absolutely nothing in the greater scheme of things; you capture moments for Him even if they’re passing and unimportant… and I think it all pleases Him because we’re rejoicing in what He has given us to rejoice in!
We tend to make this way more complicated than we need to. :)
No. 8 — October 8th, 2010 at 11:33 am
This is one powerful post! LL Barkat told us a few days ago that “The best day to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best day to plant a tree is today.” So what am I waiting for? Love this.
No. 9 — October 8th, 2010 at 12:51 pm
Lyla makes me smile. So do you.
I appreciate your heart here. This preacher’s wife gets what you’re saying.
Each of us has a starring role to play.
That desire in your heart?
It is as real as one bright star in the night sky…pointing the way.
deidra´s last [type] ..When You Need To Work The Kinks Out
No. 10 — October 8th, 2010 at 12:56 pm
I think what you’re describing here is really just that “working out” of your salvation. You know, not that any of this changes your salvation, but this salvation-life you’re now living is being worked out in you. We’d all like the list: do this do that. But if we had that we wouldn’t learn to KNOW Him through it. We wouldn’t learn to trust or have faith. Even though it’s muddled and we may make mistakes, it’s really worth it to know Him through the figuring of it out.
Danielle´s last [type] ..The Freedom of Gratitude Multitude Monday
No. 11 — October 8th, 2010 at 5:28 pm
Great site man , just keep it .
No. 12 — October 8th, 2010 at 11:04 pm
this is exactly the way i feel. i am at war with myself over wanting to live out my and i can’t even type the word gift the way you did. is it a gift? and my passion. it is a passion. i can say that. and that voice that rises up and says i’m not good enough. i’ve spent my life trying to figure out what i’m passionate about and once i did i was too scared to do anything about it. what has pushed me out there far enough to make a website and tell people i want to take pictures is the fact that i turned 40. i decided if i can’t grow up and do what i want by now, i might as well never try.
thanks for saying what i’d love to say myself.
melissa stover´s last [type] ..Coke with breakfast
No. 13 — October 10th, 2010 at 5:16 pm
Thank you for being honest and sharing your heart in this post. I struggle so much in this area mostly just being afraid that I am not good enough! I love taking photographs!! There is so much to learn and I feel inadequate. Thank you for reminding me of my passion & faith! Faith that God can help me succeed & I am not alone!
No. 14 — November 4th, 2010 at 10:00 pm
Of course I remember reading this one. I just wanted to stop by and say how glad I am that it was featured in October’s Around the Network at TheHighCalling.org :)
L.L. Barkat´s last [type] ..Catalog- Take Two
No. 15 — November 5th, 2010 at 4:37 pm
Kelly, thanks for this window into your dear soul! Yes, I feel that constant struggle of wanting to use my gifts and also wanting to do the “Christian” thing (whatever that is!).
Keep being the person God created you to be. You’re going to let people down (including yourself) but don’t let that stop you. I think the struggle is healthy, as long as it doesn’t torture us and rob us of joy.
I also happen to think (for what it’s worth) that God is smiling when you are behind that camera. Really BIG.
So glad this was featured on Around the Network!
Susan DiMickele´s last [type] ..Stepping Out Of Your Comfort Zone
No. 16 — November 8th, 2010 at 12:28 pm
Kelly…Sorry I didnt give you a heads up first that I was going to feature this piece in the Around the network. I hope it was a good surprise! A fine post that still resonates
David Rupert´s last [type] ..Can death be holy
No. 17 — November 8th, 2010 at 4:50 pm
“I dream and make secret plans and set goals I tell no one, because if I don’t do this, I don’t want to deal with the embarrassment that I knew I could DO this, and I chose something else.”
Yes, yes, and yes. I went through the same process after waiting over ten years to tell family and friends about my writing passion. And now that the curtains have opened, I face the pressure to perform. Sometimes the pressure motivates me, but often it weighs me down with the fear of failure.
Thanks for this post. I know that none of us are alone in this, and I also know that it’s not God who instills the fear.