softly to the shore…

as the sun sets, i feel my tension grow; already i prepare myself for the subconscious night-worry, and the tide comes in, rolling shallow on the shore – more gently than I expected, and I am raw.

my prayer has words tonight, and no one to hear, or no one to listen. at least, this is how it feels when sound stops at ceiling, too loud in my own ears. so I speak care to God and cast me up on Him. my hope is not quite desperate, not quite sure, but He is the only one who is, and the only one who makes sense while not making sense at all.

it is faith, this trying to trust and reaching for a hand to hold me. i ask the same hand that could still the storms and stay the violence to stay and still me if it must come, if the tide must come higher, if i cannot find ground to steady me.

the choice is not mine now – what i do does not sway His plan, and the bad that happens does not prove He is not good.

so i wait. i wait, not moving, not begging – but wanting to, oh i am wanting to beg!

He answers quiet, with familiar words that have brought comfort before, from a life that saw so much loss, so many emptied dreams and believed Him good in the beginning, in the middle, at the end of it all.

it is faith, solid hope that holds up in the raining dark that is life sometimes, abundant Life that meets me raw and real when i want no crutch, when i must be carried.

i wait, and i pray for mercy, as the tide comes in and i don’t know what else to ask.

Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still. Selah

Offer the sacrifices of righteousness,
And put your trust in the LORD.

There are many who say,
“Who will show us any good?”
LORD, lift up the light of Your countenance upon us.

You have put gladness in my heart,
More than in the season that their grain and wine increased.
I will both lie down in peace, and sleep;
For You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

- Ps. 4:4b-8