about that opening of the mouth and speaking of the words thing…

I am journaling again. I don’t know what it is about me that I can’t keep my words inside, that I can’t make sense out of life and just hold things in my heart. I have to come out somewhere, say what I’m thinking to someone, think out loud, dialogue my brain things.

I’ve gotten a number of comments this week that I sound different than I usually do here. I have smiled at that, recognizing that the me I most often share here is not the crazy me, the fun me, the me that gets down in the dirt, the me that can return a good pun when necessary. I wanted this place to be able to hold my poetry, my in-depth prose, my introspections. I am finding a drawback to linking the photography to my regular blog.

It’s keeping me accountable, though, to be myself wherever I am, whether I’m posting client photos or writing poems that come from deep.

♥

I talked to God last night. I forgot how much easier this is to do in writing. I feel alternately less spiritual/more spiritual when I do this. Why can’t I just talk to Him like a normal person? Which raises an interesting point about why can’t I talk to people like a normal person? I don’t trust my voice, yet I have kissed my agoraphobia goodbye lately, and now I run the risk of being grossly misunderstood if the wrong thing comes out of my mouth. You know, like every other person in the world.

I realize how often I hide behind written words and pictures to express myself – I have always been this way. I think as if I was written in a book. It’s what comes of reading so much so young, I think. I learned much about stories and observation; I learned less about engaging with life. I was ostracized a lot as a kid, actually. I probably deserved it. I was a prig. Pete and I have often said we’d have hated each other if we’d met when we were younger.

I discovered this weekend that I still am a prig. That I walk around judging people without realizing it. Someone shared something with me about something (oh geez, THAT was just cryptic), and I took a step back and went “whoa – they can’t do that! they don’t know God like I do…” My mental voice trailed off.

God and I talked about this last night. Or rather, I talked to God about it. I’m kind of in shock, realizing that even my mental decisions not to judge someone begin with judgment. HOW did Jesus walk around knowing hearts and seeing people and love them where they were? I’m entering a phase of my life where the people I’m meeting are not the “safe” people I choose to have around me, the people who believe what I believe and know God the way I do. I’m not going to love them as He does if I dismiss them for that from the get-go.

I find myself more desperate for grace, because the more I think about it, the deeper I find it goes in me, this pride that sets me thinking “I am better than you.” It’s an icky feeling – which I believe is a good thing, to be honest, because I know it is His Spirit in me, identifying the thing that is not of God.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about humility, and realizing that I am not a humble person, that my walk with God is not a humble walk, except by virtue of the fact that I am human and He is God. I can’t stop there, though. I’m like Jacob, wrassling Him until He blesses me – or throws my leg out.

♥

With Pete gone so much lately for work and tired, I’m finding myself lonely. I feel as though I should talk to God about stuff, bounce things off Him, but does He care about “my brand”? Or if I’m trying to figure out what looks good on a design project, will He talk back to me about this color or that layout? What would He do with my vents about my kids or my clients (when I have them – my clients are pretty awesome, just so you know!) or my family or my own dumb issues?

The idea of God being my best friend – I like it very much. But sometimes, it seems as though He won’t be my friend if I don’t talk about what He wants to talk about, as if He has an agenda for me to fulfill and if I don’t, then He’s not interested in meeting me on my level.

And yes, I realize I’m talking about God who is Spirit, and Jesus came in the flesh, and I walk by faith and not by sight, but it’s hard to want to hang out with someone and be consumed with someone you don’t quite believe gives two whits for you – over the small, stupid things at least. He’s more interested in say, saving your life.

My perspective is small.

♥

I went to the sea on Saturday for the shoot I revealed yesterday. We had some trouble connecting, and I found myself on the beach alone at one point, with the wind and the waves pounding my senses as they pounded the shore. For just a moment, I stopped, closed my eyes and turned my face up into it.

He was there.

Which was a good thing, because my own plans for the evening – the ones about presenting a put-together, professional front – went AWOL in the next few minutes. That was also a good thing.

Intentionally choosing reality as I want to do with my photography is uncomfortable. I value the real in others, but I’m too good at wearing my own facades. Sometimes I need to let the wind and the water and the God I don’t know why I don’t trust knock me over so I can breathe and look up. You know, so I can see I’m more toward the bottom than I think I am, that there are others, and Other who are better than myself.

God, I’m way human. Wow.

♥

This ramble has been brought to you today by the early-rising baby system we have in place, five photography shoots in two weeks (or more? I’ve lost count), a bit of a cold, two recent journal entries, and an unplanned shot of the sky. Thanks for listening.

Giveaway coming tomorrow. I actually mean it this time. I’m SO excited!