I bet you can guess what this post is about…

A new website…

A new logo…

And a new blog…

Or two…

I’ve been working my tail off. It’s about time you got to see what I’ve been up to. And if you’re interested in a site design, I have two simple WP themes for sale along this same mood. They just didn’t make the cut for my final look. But I’ll be showing those over at my new blog. And I can’t tell you how much I absolutely love this design. I mean, I can, but really, I can’t. You have to come and see!

I’m so ready for this move. You have no idea.

And just so you know, I will no longer be blogging at kellylangnersauer.com/blog. I know I’m gonna lose some readers, but I have to ask – won’t you please follow me? I’d love to have you hang out with me at one of my new places. Or in all three. I have SO MUCH fun stuff coming that has been backlogged behind this design!!! So come on over, comment, subscribe, bookmark, whatever it is you do with blogs, come and do it!

I looked out my window yesterday and I felt as though I had been given permission to breathe. I didn’t know I had been waiting for it.

That is the alive part, the breathing, physically, spiritually – all of it.

♥

I let something go yesterday, one thing I’ve been trying and trying and trying to get right. I realized that no one can tell me who I am, can interpret the real me from the things they thing I should or shouldn’t be. I realized I’ve outgrown the person I was even six months ago, that my real is more like the real that I was ten years ago, when I knew what beauty was for, knew that pain came but didn’t let it overwhelm me, knew that I could do anything with my life that I wanted to do.

That is the real part, the old joining with the new and all that I’ve learned in the interim, coming together so I can live right where I am without living for the approval of others.

♥

I know something now that I didn’t know ten years ago. It is the most alive thing, the most dangerous thing, the realest thing of all, the thing I believe but don’t know how to live.

It is this: that Jesus is enough. That what He did at the Cross to reconcile me with God was everything I need for life and godliness. That being perfect as God is perfect is totally and only possible when I stand in the righteousness of Christ.

I’ve created my own religion, though, the kind that means I feel guilty for not maintaining my end of the God-bargain. You know the drill: “You died for me, so I owe you my life.” If the only reason I have to follow God is expectation and obligation, if I haven’t plumbed the depths of His love to know what it means to love Him because He first loved me, then I really have no reason to follow God. Not when I’m tired. Not when I’m sick. Not when I am snowed under and watching the world on fire all around me. Not when I have no idea what the good works are that He foreordained me to do.

But if I learn about His love, how it is eros and agape and phileo all mixed up and flowing together passionate gentle safety displayed so brazenly when Christ died and broke the bonds of death – well, then I have reason to seek Him. Then I have more than my own guilt to keep me coming back to Him.

Sin is not simply “the bad things I do” or “breaking the Law.” It is any choice I make to exclude God from any area of my life. It is a break in relationship. This is how there is freedom from the Law in Jesus, because His death eternally dealt with that sin-break, and through Him, I have full and free access to relationship with God-who-loved-me.

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God created me to be. Not to “be good,” but to BE. If the stones cry out, if even little children praise Him, if the trees clap their hands in worship, being what and who they are as He made them to be, then this can be my glory for Him too. Instead of a strategy for godliness, I am given a Name by which to be saved.

And I know – finally know – that Name is not Piper or Swindoll. It is not Keller or Voskamp or L’Engle or Elliot. It is not Challies or Osteen or Robertson. Or Chambers or Spurgeon or Moody. It is not even Paul or John or Peter.

That Name is Jesus Christ.

So whether anybody else lives this or not (I can think of very few people – even Christians – who would), it is so much a part of who I am that I can no longer walk around my house without the real joy I should have, living death and separation when I don’t have to, when I know that in Christ, I DON’T have to watch every step I take for fear destroying my relationship with God. Perfect love casts out fear anyway.

I will never be good enough in myself and my own efforts, not even by tacking Jesus’ name onto my goodness. So I’ve quit trying, because in the end, I wasn’t being good for Him anyway. I was being good for everybody else who said I should be good, and their disapproval became my God-obligation. And that wasn’t me, and it wasn’t real, and it definitely wasn’t living.

So this is the being – that He is I AM, and that He created me in His image to be who “I am” in unfettered relationship Him, because it is in Him that I live and move real, and have my whole existence.

(…and some other sleeping things.)

I absolutely could not resist this photo. And I only got one shot off before he woke up. This is my boy, dropping wherever he finds a “warm cozy” and falling into sleep without so much as a by-your-leave. This is the boy who yells at me to put him to bed when he wants it. I know he’s only in his diaper, but he is soooooooo cute, I’m letting the photographer side trump the mommy side while I still can.

And speaking of beds… Piper has officially decided that our bed is meant to be a family bed. Pete and I have not approved this, but ever since we moved down to South Carolina, she has refused to spend an entire night in her own bed. If she wakes there, she makes the trek to our room to sleep, and let’s face it, having an almost-four-year-old sharing a queen-sized bed can be really miserable.

And since sleep is important to us, we decided we needed to make a change, but we couldn’t afford to buy a king-size bed and mattresses to match. So for about two years, we’ve been wondering what to do, until driving down from VA last Sunday, we hit upon the idea of ordering a king air mattress.

It took us FOREVER to find one – evidently queen is big enough for camping or guests, but come ON. We finally found one online and ordered it in. It has revolutionized our sleep! No longer are we being kicked and pushed and biffed out of our own bed! We almost get lost in it when it’s just Pete and me, but THAT’s not a problem, now is it? I’m still working on rearranging the room so that we like it – am considering something with a canopy, but haven’t decided if it will work yet. I’m sure I’ll post photos when I figure it out.

It has been months since my last photo installment from L.L. Barkat’s book, God in the Yard. I suppose I got hung up on this chapter because I half-wanted to, didn’t really want to think about the idea L.L. approaches here, “self-care.”

She writes,

There were days when I would come to the woods and think, what’s the point… I’m wasting my time… nothing is happening here… I’m not doing anything…. And then maybe the back door would pop open and somebody would tell me I was needed. It was the phone. Or a lost shoe. Strawberries needed cutting. Something. Then my guilt would heighten. Who did I think I was sitting out here doing nothing? This is just the kind of thing a selfish, mean, bad person would do, when all around her the world was in need.

These feelings were the tip of the iceberg. Who did I think I was…?

When I first read the chapter months ago, I remember how detached I felt, how annoyed. This was NOT the yard I had come to. Heck, I wasn’t even IN the yard. I was in my bedroom, reading to keep going on my project, fighting to keep my eyes open.

There is something about God’s timing.

I decided that evening that I wanted a spider’s web for this photo. And for being able to find spiders anytime of the day or night as L.L. implies you can in this chapter, let me tell you. They were GONE. Winter came on, and cold, and nothing, and my world spun out crazy for me to try to maintain.

I am not one who finds God in regular quiet times. I find Him most often in the car, or listening to music, or in an unexpected moment of clarity – or conviction. I am also a bit of a cynic when it comes to the languaging many Christians use about God. How can they say “God helped me” or “thank you God” when the rain falls on the just and the unjust and they still believe that God helps those who help themselves? How can I expect God to help me if I don’t hold up my end of the bargain?

♥

But grace raises the point on a day I know I’m worthless, when I’ve only managed diaper changes and cereal for the kids I love, when I’m behind on everything I’ve been meaning to do, when I go looking for a spider’s web to cross one thing off and a friend offers me love where I didn’t earn it, “What bargain?”

And at some point this afternoon, I knew I’d be visiting the “yard” tonight and leaving my building anger here, the anger over my failure, my frustration, the constant thwarting that wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have brain fog and extreme exhaustion.

At some point, I have to stop trying to be God. You know, I don’t even realize I’m doing it until I find myself cursing my helplessness and realize I don’t remember what His face looks like, realize I’ve been snarking at Him for weeks on end because I’m really bad at being the good girl I always wanted to be and why did He make me this way anyway?

As I dug out an old photo for this post, it struck me how fragile the wood-webs are, the ones that I’d build, how it sustains catastrophic damage even when used for the purpose it was intended, how it can be built and rebuilt, but in the end, it is left hanging when the spider dies, a vague memory of what was once maintained by an enigmatic, determined little being. The beauty bestowed on the web, by the light, by the dew – it had nothing to do with the spider.

♥

There are things I know in my head that I don’t yet understand. Not deep, not in the place in my being where the life is.

Most of the time, I figure He’s all right with that, but when I try to take charge of my life and fix it myself, He doesn’t let me get away with it. “You’re trampling My sacrifice,” He notes quietly, insistently. “There was no bargain here – you’ve been Mine since before I founded the world.”

And there it is, the eternal tension, the fact that Adam and Eve did not even know what obedience was when they chose the fruit to try and be like God, the fact that He knew what they would choose when He put the tree in the Garden, the fact that He is God and I absolutely do not comprehend His ways to claim a right to tell Him how He ought to run things.

L.L. writes about self-care, about making time to be refreshed, instead of carrying everything and everyone around us until we’ve forgotten how to let God run things. Sometimes, I need to remember that I’m just dust, recognize that I’m still breathing, that I’m alive, whether it all gets done or not.

♥

Related (by chapter):

10. Breaking the Silence
9. “invitation to go nowhere”
8. God is present in my dark
7. see? this is who i am.
6. remember how / the birds were eaten / by the sky
5. the weeping: freeze-frame celebration
4. “how grace used to drift in with the night”
3. quiet spaces
2. “playing toward God”
1. “find / the moon”

I have some pretty strong reasons to love the royal wedding – Kate’s dress and her style gave me a flashback to some of my previous brides. I’m getting ready to put some of my old weddings up here at the blog, weddings I shot before I realized I could be using my blog to publish my photos post-wedding. (This is what I get for learning on the job, isn’t it?) Kate and William definitely ushered me into in a classically vintage mood, and so I give you two of my brides who really got Kate’s style at their weddings – before she ever thought to make her statement!

Chelsea’s wedding had such a soft, lovely feel to the entire day, perfect for her sweet heart and her gentle guy. Her cream-colored dress had the same exquisite lace touch and A-line shape that Kate wore for her royal wedding – though I think her train wasn’t quite so long. Her bridesmaids dressed in cream-colored vintage gowns touched up with light green ribbon and lace. I think they got them from e-bay.

Jessica’s cream-colored dress made for a uniquely modern vintage look, with a very modern silhouette to touch off the gorgeous vintage-styled veil and lace that she wore. Her bridesmaids wore blue, and there were hints of green and mauve in the orchids she carried in her bouquet. Her coordinator-sister used Jess’s gorgeous wedding as a springboard for her new wedding design company, Fleurish Events, and let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, she’s talented!

I know I’m not really supposed to have favorites, but Rachel’s wedding was one of my absolute FAVORITEST weddings ever. Rachel is an artist, like me, and she was about as shy about getting married as I was on my day, so I’ve always felt a fierce kinship with her. I fell completely in love with her style, deep rust mixed up with cream and roses. The antiqued lace all over her David’s Bridal dress was so exquisitely romantic – I couldn’t get enough of it. Her bridesmaids wore a strapless rust affair with black velvet bodices and full, gathered skirts with antebellum overtones, perfect for her location, an old antebellum mansion near Chantilly, Virginia.

I am loving this walk down memory lane, and I am excited to see where this wedding will to take other brides-to-be this year!

We’re shooting distractions at Three this week – this was mine, pink flowers at Balboa Park on a wedding day morning, when I should have been prepping for my wedding shoot. But I hit the park instead, and pretty much fell in love with these blossoms. Pete had moved on before he realized I was still in the same spot, taking pictures in pink. I get SO distracted by pink…

♥

What distracts you? Want to share the fun? Come on over – share with us!

I wasn’t going to do it. Everybody in the wedding industry has been talking about this wedding for weeks. I have smiled and I’ve shaken my head, and I’ve even rolled my eyes a few times. But yesterday, it hit me that this might be the only time in my lifetime I will get to watch something like this, something that will bring so much of the world together for a few hours to celebrate something other than our success, to think about something good and pure and lovely, to smile and cry and be curious and be happy all together.

It’s a little like that coronation scene in Return of the King, a little like I imagine things will be when Jesus is crowned Lord of All, when the Bride is brought to her Groom in the culmination of a courtship that has spanned all of time into eternity.

So I did it. I got up (with a little help from my Pete) at 5:00 a.m. for my silly reasons – wanting to see that dress (oh, I love it – I am so glad it wasn’t a ghastly horror to set trends for all my future brides!), plain curiosity, watching Prince William (who I have always prayed for – he is my age) with the girl he loves; and I got up for my serious reasons – taking in the pomp, relearning the meaning of ceremony, investing a little attention in the industry I’m entering with my photography.

Piper was sleeping on the couch, and we woke her just as the bride got out of her car, telling her that we were going to watch a princess get married.

It was a Disney wedding to Pip, and she had us in laughs and wonder at the same time as she watched. While Kate and William were exchanging vows, Pip repeated William’s full name (William Arthur Phillip Louis) as “Huey, Dewey, and Luey,” just before we explained to her what the vows were about.

“They’re making a promise to be married, to love each other and stay together,” I told her.

“Yeah,” she said, “Just like Lumpy and Roo in Pooh’s Heffalump Movie, when they made a promise to be BEST FRIENDS, so they could play together!”

You betcha, kid, that’s exactly it. She made me cry, knowing what a promise is for – at age three. Really, she was just my excuse to cry, because when I’m not behind a camera working a wedding, I absolutely bawl at weddings. Tears for the mom, tears for the bride, tears for the mom that wasn’t there, tears because everything was just so darn big and important and pretty, all at the same time! It can really overwhelm a girl!

I love how she could get Prince William to crack a smile, and I loved how Harry was sneaking glances during her processional and telling William that he was gonna be amazed when he turned around. I love how they wanted to look at each other when she got to the altar, how they really meant the vows that they repeated, how nearly everything in this wedding was true, and true for them.

And I couldn’t get over Kate’s face – she was so composed, but so very real, and she couldn’t hold her smile back! She was so totally there, it flabbergasted me – it was her wedding day, and she really, really enjoyed it!

But while Kate might be enjoying her wedding day, Bredon was a little put out with the whole deal. But he’s a boy, and I suppose I should expect that. (He got up on his own just as Pip woke up, hollering at us to get him out of his bed “NOW!” I think he wanted to watch Sports Center with Dad as he usually does.)

I pulled out my camera during the down time toward the end of the ceremony, and shot a few photos off my new laptop (which has a Very Nice Screen, if I do say so myself) – I have to put out a HUGE thanks to the cameraman at The Royal Channel for the angles he panned during the wait – the the cathedral came off unbelievably beautiful with the added window reflection on my screen, and he aimed for the bells so I could capture the fairytale sound of dreams coming true on my own camera.

Still, I have to admit, I would have loved to be standing in THIS crowd, with one of THESE lenses, capturing the high resolution photos and shooting the wedding for real.

This week has been difficult for me, with the massive tornado damage in the deep South juxtaposed against a world event focused on love and life and beauty, a juxtaposition mirrored in my own life as I’m continuing to understand why I take pictures the way I do, choosing to view what is true and lovely and of good report, choosing not to dwell on the awful without shutting my eyes to it. Sometimes I wonder how long there will be good things left in the world to dwell on, how much longer the world can hold all its sorrow.

I think I am learning to live in the middle, a stranger in a strange land that makes less and less sense to me the more I learn of God, looking for the things of my heart-home, the joy, the peace, the life, the love. It is such a strange tension, and it calls for a strange, strong trust that allows me to cast my cares on Him, knowing that He cares for me, for all of us.

It is a gorgeous day here – I have all the windows open after two weeks of South Carolina heat and humidity. It will be back, I know, but for today, I get to breathe it in. So, Happy Royal Wedding day – I wish you something beautiful today.